Random writing: health, waiting to die, dying to live.

Each time I consider finding a very part time job outside the home it seems something happens, usually it's a pending surgery or recovery from one. I guess earlier I mentioned I am back in the boot......my choice to protect my right big toe where a wound appeared and was bleeding. There are normally days I can stand for a while, and then there are those days I seek out a bench, or chair or a big rock to take the load off. I try to work out a few times a week, and yet I sometimes have a difficult time bending over.......disability sucks, but to add aging on top of it doesn't seem right, but as my bestie use to say, "It is what it is." I refuse to spend my life recuperating from this surgery or that surgery, even though I know recuperation is a necessary part of recovery......so is physical therapy, which has helped me immensley over the years. There's a side of me that believes I could wholeheartedly return to work one day. I do believe I can get my foot in to a qualified job.......I have vast knowledge and experience in a lot of things. Disability was ultimately my choice, but at the time it was highly recommended by my medical doctor. I had a strong support group who understand, and there were those, whom I am still friends with who challenged my decision to begin disability. Quite honestly, at the time, in 1994 I wasn't 100% sure I was going to survive. You see, hope in the form of a cocktail of medications was the breakthrough we all needed. By then I was already disabled. Oh, I worked a little side gig or two cleaning afterward, but I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Even though there have been times I wondered if the other shoe was dropping I kept living. For years I was living to die. I knew where I was going when I died, but it was daunting at times waiting, and then after I had been deathly ill in 1998, my health somehow turned around. It was a slow turn, and in fact I do not believe it has nor ever will return to it's once healthy place. It's taken years getting to where I have a hope, thanks to medication, science and my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ who makes all things possible. I'm still here. So much so that, in 2010ish my bloodwork showed no sign of a transmittable disease in my body. I've been healed. Now, don't get me wrong, I take medication every day to keep me from living a detectable life. It's been 12 years now, and I'm still living. I've given up on waiting to die, though I'm looking forward to meeting Christ face to Face. I'm trying to live my best life for Christ, and though I may at times fail, I want to always dust myself off and move forward. Life is pretty good these days. I am a better person for the trail I have walked and learned from. I thank God for today, for none of us know what tomorrow looks like.